Hash Trash: three Half-Bandits in distant memory

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Hash Trash: three Half-Bandits in distant memory

Postby On the Rag » Sun Feb 10, 2019 9:09 pm

A Bandit Trash in Three Parts

OTR’s life as an international jewel thief can get in the way of family, friends and posting to the Trash. Without further delay…

Men Without Women, Half-Bandit XII, Thanksgiving 2017. A clear cool AM in the ATL as On The Rag pulls the Half Buick up nears the Oakland Cem gates. Arriving on two wheels in a muscle-T and skinny jeans, Lawrence d’Labia claims temperature tolerance down to the teens and looks with concern at OTR who, really? he’s for all intents living on the streets, right? Skinny, disheveled. Have you actually listened to him lately? We gotta keep an eye… Dribbles Before Shoots is having car troubles

Everything is wrong since me and my baby parted/ All day long I'm walkin' 'cause I couldn't get my car started/ Laid off from job and I can't afford to check it/ I wish somebody'd come along and run in to it and wreck it/come on!

We leave him a beer baton and Bandit On-Out!

Lawrence brings verve, verse and PACE to everything he does and is gently admonished several times en route: this is a Par-Tay baby, not a RAY-suh! We hook up them R@cies soonish at the Gold Dome and plonk ourselves amidst. Do we see Flaming Ginger Friar F*ck? How can you miss the guy? LdL tracks the herd by decoding their TAG #S; OTR looks more toward BMI and general fitness. RUing the Canyons of GSU get’s us nothing, but a smoking 30-min first mile brings us to BS#2, under BigBore and Dr.PP’s window along the Mayretta… and they see us but won’t come down. We implore with cries, clamor and semaphore. We feign illness, fatigue and need for beer. We violate copyright. Do they descend? They do not. Do they get credit for the BeerStop? Heck yeah! Dribs arrives to complete our Devils Triangle.
All Sail a downwind run thru Bandit-Clever Short-Cut#2, the North Av Connector, we bang east keeping Tech to port, Coke to st’brd. Map-wise, The ATC Turkey is a clockwise romp starting at the Ted, thru downtown, looping up around Atlantic Station and Peedy Park, back in on Jupiter/Courtland, some zig zaggery leading back to the Ted. The NoAv Shortie slashes L-to-R mid-wise across the clockface, giving bandits a net 4-mile gain on the R@cies. Other cuts here/there excise 1 or 2 miles more: voila, Half-Bandit.

Rejoining the R@cists near the IHOP/Crickets we find neither TailGunner nor 69RPMs who have instead set up a BS many leagues north. Adapting, we lighten OTR’s beer back pack and unravel the Beer Batons for BS#3. Have we talked about OTRs HEADgear? He’s fashioned this absurd blocky helmet from a 12-pack carton, draped with a T-shirt, and bleach-batik’d with Bandit and other obscure symbols. Can’t miss that guy. RUing and sharp eyes gets us GirlFilterFish who stops for a half-beer. Untangling ourselves from an Atlanta Track Club/Mile-8 Water Trough, Lawrence explains:
I've kissed mermaids, rode the El Nino
Walked the sand with the crustaceans
Could find my way to Mariana
On a wave of mutilation
Wave of mutilation/Wave of mutilation/Wave


Is it a coincidence that this most intensely homeless mile-long stretch of our Metro has ZERO r@cist Port-a-Potties? OTR near springs a leak with the Men’s Room way at the back of the Hilton lobby. We spot R@ce Marshall Long & Red commanding the corner of Courtland and Auburn and we beer him in front of his volunteers. On the next uphill are FookEye and BustedCherry. We beer them until they beer us until we beer them and it goes that way until Busted insists we cluster around his iPhone and watch the trailer for RAT FILM a film by Theo Anthony
People, this is the most important film Busted has seen in decades: find it, watch it, make your family watch it.

Back to the Half-Buick for BS#7. This year A-T-Carrie Nation has fallen off-wagon, or we zig while she zags, but in any case we distribute many dixie-cups of PBR directly under the ATC Mile Eleven/The Beer Mile - sign, un-molested. MORE HASHERS FORGOTTEN HASH NAMES. We OnEnd with the R@cists at the Orange Lot and the only reason I can remember is…

What’s His Problem? Overcome by angst, rage, and the compulsion to Punch.His.Own.Face, an Angry R@cist Youth winds up and spikes his Finisher Medal into the street, denting it, and stalks off… perfectly STUNNING our Half-Bandits at the display of such raw, naked, EMO of a sort… alas… we still recall.

Keep your head and everything will be cool
You didn't have to make me feel like a fool
When I tried to say I feel the way that I do
I want to talk with you
And make it loud and clear
Though you don't care to hear


Lawrence still has the Under-Performers Medal of Shame and Humiliation and everyone agrees there’s a backstory treatment here. Anyway, Hugs, Kisses and Centrifugality, Best Half-Bandit Ever, all home safely, Gracias Adios. Next up:

Keeping the Holy Sabbath, Spring-Bandit XIII, March 2018 dawns lovely also, clear 40s rising to sunny low 60s, as On the Rag busts open the Half-Buick beside the Outreach Deliverance Ministry and hauls out donut holes and coffee for Officer Friendly and the R@ce Spectators. And here’s Double Suck, who had pledged, as many had pledged before her, but then DID in Fact show up 7:15 a.m. on a Sunday for Half-B. Which brings our 3-year bandit average attendance to 1.3.

Did we RU? Did we offer beer? Did we spot Friar Freak? Yes; sort of but no one drank; and maybe, respectively. We def managed to leave the Trunk of the Half-Buick Wide Open when we OnOut. And yet, OTR’s briefcase full of stolen international jewelry is still there OnAfter. Amazing Grace? How sweet a sound!

Recalls that Spring Bandit is the HedgeHog: he has ONE big short-cut north along the East Belt with a net gain of 3 miles vs. the r@cists. Double & OTR decry the concrete – place hoof prints alongside -- and discuss the Traditional Topics of love, consequence and real estate while Double proposes a Quest:
I'm just looking for
Just looking for a way around…
I'm just looking for the divine hasher
One divine hasher /One divine hasher
I'm just looking for one divine hasher
I'd hash it all day


Hash it we did, on up to Dipstick’s front stoop for BS#2. BodyGlide is cheering on R@cist Hashers Name and Name. And since the Spring Bandit Experience is Traditional approaching Orthodox, we’ll just summarize: r@cists were beered; the guy on the bike was assured “Yes Sir., this is the Beer House;” the Green Dawn were Evoked round back; the R@cists as Lemmings Analogy arose. Body insists we re-think this thing for 2019. Why not just have a morning party at The Dip?…
I have learnt there's a magical spot at The Dip/ Come with me to the church on the corner, The Dip/ There's nuts and crisps and there's c-c-cold beer on tap/ A good time had by those boys and those girls at The Dip

On-Onward the trad path: SWrly over the old Par-3 Ninth hooking the R@ce on 10th. OTR tries to engage the R@cists, but they trudge an individual misery, ear-gapped and lashed to their devices. OTR splains:
Don’t mutter at me you bastards
I’ve got cheap emotions
Knock me down with a feather
I’ll show you the door

Who’s that Lounging in the sun at 5th and Jupiter but Tail Gunner! We BS#3 with enthusiasm and Gunner makes a proper Hash-a-Trois. We totter over PTree, scurry thru Tech Sq, pass the Bobbie Dodd and Ancestral Home of Atlanta!/ United!/ Will only Seldom be Defeated! OTR has bollixed his mapping a bit this year, another tradition, and a slight R@ce-course re-route has shifted Bore/Pee a long block off course, but No Big since Nobody has lain No BS Nowhere near.

Regardless Double, Gunner and OTR fashion a fine Bandit END in a sunny bit of Centenny Explosion Park, a few R@cists take beer nourishment and let me just ask here: why do random women insist on OTR’s judging their “best breasts” competitions??? Does he have any sort of expertise?

Gunner let us know:
And as if seeing you for the first time
Something whispered
Looking at you in desperation
Knowing nothing ever happens
I wanted to say fall in love
I wanted to say fall in love with me
I wanted to say fall in love
It'll be alright


Hugs, Kisses, Spinning in Circles, wait for it….. Best Bandit Evah Girlfriends! All home safelike.
And finally:

Behind the Valley of the Half Bandits-XIV, Thanksgiving 2018, showed a youth theme, mostly in Dribbles B4 Shoots but also in his lad, Amber Bait, and, well, no… On The Rag is more decrepit than ever, but still has his good days. And this was one of them. Mid-30s becomes partly sunny breezy low 50s.

The father/son have turned out in matching bandanas, worn Bandit-Style, obscuring their lower faces. This gives international jewel thief OTR a bit of pause: ice men lean toward darkness and mis-direction (see 1/2B Helmet). Bandits swear a blood oath to evade justice and other legal proceedings.

The Youthful Complement of Banditry regard the animatronic walk signals near the Gold Dome, scope the R@ce course and wait for the R@cists who do not tarry: first the wheelies, then the wheeled, then the FRBs, then Friar R@cist Freak then Bandits leap in boldly and RU the Canyons of GSU on-up the Mayretta until we reach BS#2 with the Lovely and Musical Bore, the Stoic Vet/Atty Dr.PP, their beer and waffles: Belgian both. And it was much appreciated. R@cists are beered, shrubbery is irrigated and Amber pogoes on the sidewalk hollering

I AM UN CHIEN ANDALUSIA!!
I AM UN CHIEN ANDALUSIA!!
I AM UN!!


We love Amber. Soonish we traverse the North Av Connector. This clever shortie (see above) renders 5 miles in roughly 20 minutes, thereby, four – minute miles. Suck it Paul Ryan!

And who is waiting for us at IHOP/Crix with BS#3 but Afterbirth and Bubbette, Yo-Yo and Shrimp and Just Maria Guapa. With decades of haranguing Aftie for his r@cist and voluntary tendencies we finally get him into the Bandit proper, where he’s belonged all along. Aftie confesses:
So where are you going to I don't mind
If I live too long I'm afraid I'll die
So I will follow you wherever you go
If your offered hand is still open to me
Strangers on this road we are on
We are not two we are one


And beer! And the Mile 8 ATC Water Trough Captains Care Nothing that we’re Pouring and Beering the R@cists right alongside! Other Miles have distinct attitudes as we’ll learn. We spot B*ttPipe, and we def beered GirlFilterFish furthering the bandit-family theme.

The Dawn Verde Invoked, the the Porta-Lets made Use Thereof (two birds: one stoned), the Bandits bid Adieu and Farewell and parallel the many-footed R@cists plodding joylessly south on Courtland until miraculously as promised Long&Red, BustedCherry and CherryJuice are amply personing BS#4 as the R@ce turns onto John Wesley Dobbs. A lovely time, brief, and productive as Busted observes for the benefit of Half-Turkey 2019 that R@cists generally will NOT take beers on a downhill stretch. Noted. We recky onward, confirming, and here is FukEye operating his own bandit BS#5 just where we’ll plonk BS#4 next year. And FukEye sells it:
The sun is up and beating down
Hot enough to melt the ground
A little beer would do us good
The clouds would help us if they could
They'd send showers of pouring rain
Get everything beer again
We could go and float around
In our favorite swimming ground
The best BeerStop ever found


Onward thru the final brilliant shortcut south on Hilliard and there we are BS#6/Buick/END just adjacent to the Oakland Cem and the famous Beer Mile 11… when A.T.Carrie Nation reappears to remind us that ELEVEN is the Recovery Mile: substance free, beer-less, joyless. In a dirge, Carrie accuses the Bandits:
Here's a story ‘bout you sinners
Used to be among the winners
enjoying lives of prominence and position
But you turned into some boozers
On-on a life among the floosies…
It's such a shame
Oh demon alcohol
Sad memories you won’t recall
Who thought you’d say
Damn it all and blow it all


The Bandit Triumverate feel differently and declare their case in soulful harmony:
It's against the law to come
against the law to go
Against the law to ride
against the law to roll
Against the law to hug and
against the law to kiss
Against the law to shoot
against the law to miss

Everything in Mile Eleven
is Against the Law
We’re low-pay daddies hashing some high-price booze


We’ll figure this out for 2019: most likely a Walk-Offer-Pour, which is pretty much what we do in ’18, and together with several other Trail Improvements and Many Many Oppos to subvert, convert and corrupt the R@cists, Turkey Bandit 2019 is going to be INSANE.

We stagger toward the Orange Lot/After-END and find Ginger Man Hisself Friar Freak for a last couple. Hugs, Kisses, Centrifugality…. Best Half-Bandit Ever, and look at the evidence:
3 Bandits
7 Beer Stops!
13 BS Hosts (including Carrie)
ALL safely home
NO legal proceedings

What Next? Thanks for Asking!
- Spring Half-Bandit XV
- Sunday, March 17, 2019, 7am-ish
- A New Route will Max the Dip, trad-Bandit the Old Half and Half-Bandit the New ATC Fullie Fiasco R@ce-course.
- Not 2B Missed.
On the Rag
 
Posts: 11
Joined: Sat Mar 03, 2018 1:59 pm

Re: Hash Trash: three Half-Bandits in distant memory

Postby Too Limp Clover » Mon Feb 18, 2019 8:17 pm

Wait, what happened?
Too Limp Clover
 
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Dec 23, 2017 10:28 am


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